I wish I could say I am surprised by this, but I’m really not. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings but I’m not sure I could find the proper adjective if I tried.
I wasn’t asking for a relationship anytime soon. I thought we were just talking for the summer. I guess I scared you off with last weekend’s stunt though.
I know you have a lot of things to work through and I respect that. Good luck with figuring things out and I hope you can find someone who doesn’t make you want to put your head through a wall. We’re just not right for each other. I don’t even have the emotional energy left to hate you anymore.
Have a good summer.
“When you love someone but it goes to waste…”
(Source: blogsandstuff, via avalle23)
But my body was only up for 3 this morning. I say 15 because I know that’s what it would take to make my mind numb….to stop all thinking. Well it would probably go numb around mile 10. But then that would give me 5 glorious miles of no thinking. And right now I could really use some time away from my thoughts.
I was excited to come up here because I knew that you weren’t here. Not even close by. And now you’ve invaded the area, trapping me and suffocating me once again.
Holy shit this book is making me miss Drew. While I’m reading he’s all I can think about, about how I’d like to him to fuck me into next week. Maybe not with the same intensity and ferocity as described in the book. But damn, this book turns me on and Drew is 250 miles away.
Its almost comical that this is happening again. This summer was supposed to be about getting away from Drew. I couldn’t wait until it was here because it was pure torture being so close to him and not being able to have him.
Its strange how we can’t seem to make this work. If both of us have such strong feelings for each other why can’t we get this right? I love him, he’s afraid to admit he loves me, so why is this so hard?
And now I’m going through withdraws.
Drew leaned in and then he quickly drew back. I asked him if I smelled bad.
“No, worse, you smell like you.”
“Oh,” was all I could say because I knew what he meant.
“That smell makes me want to push you up against the wall and rip your clothes off.” I didn’t say anything, just sat and stared at him. Silently praying he would do just that.
Usually writing down how I feel helps. It helps to get it off my chest, to be able to analyze it. But right now I can’t even find the words. I’ve started and stopped so many times.
Most people would tell me that I should have walked away and left since he didn’t have the gumption to make an effort to see me. But that is what I’ve done every other time, just turned my back, hid my tears, and pretended to move on.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But this time, this time I stood up and fought for what I wanted. I didn’t let him push me away like he normally does. I let him see my tears, let him see how much I care and how much he’s hurt me.
I would like to think that it made a difference. I know he needs some space right now and he said he’d text me in a few days. His version of a few days and my version are way different and I know I’m going to be suffering these next few days, wondering if he will actually text me.
As much as I love texting, I hate it sometimes too. Hearing his voice, having a fluid conversation, that’s almost ecstasy in itself. Ryan and Brad are the only people who call me just to chat. It’s always such a nice surprise.
(Source: bippityboppityboo, via moderndayfairytale)
I think a person’s smell has a lot to do with our attraction to them. I think Ryan smells great, but at the same time that smell doesn’t drive me wild. When I was first dating Michael I really liked his cologne but after everything that has happened his smell makes my nose crinkle a bit. But Drew…..his scent was intoxicating and I couldn’t think straight when I was within a 2 foot radius of him.
When things turned south with him I hated that smell. Because it drove me wild and made me ache, something I knew I couldn’t fulfill. I tried hard to keep my distance from him. At the cleanup I had to ask him a question (he was helping run it) and I got too close to him. His scent filled my nose and made me dizzy for a second. Then I gave a small snort and stepped out of range quickly. Drew realized what was going on and a small smile appeared on his lips. Bastard.
(Source: speaktomeinindigo, via moderndayfairytale)
I haven’t cried in months. Like since October.
So to say I’m long over-due might be an understatement.
All of my friends are graduating right now, like right this moment. And I’m sitting here like a leaky faucet. I’m going to miss them so much.
Dear Heart,
Please forget about the boy you met a year ago. He isn’t the guy you thought he was, he isn’t the guy of your dreams. He is actually a douche bag that plays girls and he played you like a fiddle. He makes you think its your fault things aren’t working out while on the side he’s screwing other girls. It’s been a year now, it’s time to move on to better things. Better things are out there, I promise. But you’ll never find them if you are still longing for the past. I know that it hurts but that pain will go away eventually. Stop being a masochistic bitch and get your shit together.
Sincerely,
Brain
