I love Cory.

But I still love Drew.  Maybe it’s something I’ll never get over.  Maybe I’ll never feel that again.

It is comical that I have every class with him.  And that he is on eboard with me.  And that we spend all of our time togther. And we text each other all of the time.  I still love him.  Shit.

1. He helps me move and lets me store my stuff at his place.
2. He runs.
3. He’ll blow me kisses goodbye.
4. And I absolutely love when he introduces me to someone and he wraps his arm around me and says “This is my best friend Carrie”

This could go on forever.

I doubt you even remember it, it was another one of your drunken phone calls.  The last one, in fact, that I received.

Usually, I would be happy you called even though it would be 3am.  But that night I was getting up at 5:30am to go fishing and I wanted my sleep.  So I grumbled at you.

You quickly apologized and said “I love you” and then hung up.

I was completely stunned and just laid there with the phone against my ear.  I love you.  The three words I have been craving to hear from you for over a year.  

Like I said, I doubt you remember it.  But I still wonder if you meant it.

I think I’ll always have feelings for Drew.  I have never felt that type of spark with a person before and I’m not sure I’ll feel it again.

Some people say that you need a spark to make things work.  Well Drew and I must have had too many sparks…because we burned the place down.  More than once.

That is probably the most popular question any runner gets?  It doesn’t matter if you are a dedicated runner who gets up everyday for run before anything else or if you just run every once in a while, its the same question.

We all have our reasons but its still something we could never explain to the non-runner.  It’s something they could never understand until they pulled on a pair of shoes and put some miles down on the pavement.

For me, I run because otherwise I would go crazy.  Running allows me to channel my energy somewhere and organize my thoughts.  Somehow after a few miles my problems seem less overwhelming.  

It also helps when you get compliments about how rockin’ your body is ;)

People who don’t really the friendship that Ryan and I have usually think that we’re either together or that I have feelings for him.  And for the longest time I didn’t understand why.  Can’t a guy and a girl just be best friends?

Well I talk about him all of the time.  He texts me almost every morning.  We run together all of the time.  I tell people that I love him.  We hangout all of the time.  He’s the person I call when I’m excited about a cool animal I found, worried about school, or just need to chat.  And so on…

So I can see how it seems like we’re a couple or that I’m pining after him.  But I’m not.  I absolutely love him to death and my world would collapse if anything ever happened to him, because he’s my person.  I don’t really know how to explain it anymore than that.

I absolutely love his girlfriend, Madolin.  Which is great because some of the past girls he’s been into did not get my number one vote.  I’m so happy that he has found someone great.

I am constantly going back and forth with what I should do about Drew.  Give up and move on is what 98% of people would say to me if I asked them.  And that is what my sensible side says to do.  I could be missing out on someone else because I’m hung up on someone who isn’t quite sure how he feels about me.

But even if I do “decide” to give up and move on (as I have in the past) it isn’t going to matter.  I will still be waiting for him.  And until I meet someone else who opens my  mind to the world I’m going to keep waiting.

Sometimes I wish he could read what I write, here and in my journal.  Maybe then he would understand how I feel, even though I’ve tried to tell him.

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Running Trip 

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(Source: backto15, via runningtrip-deactivated20130314)

There is this amazing guy here at the station, Skye.  I actually had a couple classes with him in the fall but being that he is really shy and I’m not very outgoing we didn’t really mingle. Anyways, he might be the perfect guy. He is so sweet and smart, so smart.  How much he loves his girlfriend is absolutely adorable, and he isn’t afraid to show it.

Well last night we had a little shindig at our place and at the beginning of the night he told me that he had a dream about me and that he didn’t like it.  When I asked what it was he refused to tell me.  It made me think that it was a bit of an explicit dream.

Then later in the night he and I had a heart to heart. We talked about how he is going to propose to his girlfriend soon and how much he loves her.  We talked about Drew a little and he told me I should wait for him.  He is the first person to tell me to wait, it was a nice.

But then, the party was ending and I was tired so I started back to my cabin.  He offered to walk me back and I happily agreed. By this point I was drunk enough where the world was tipping sideways and I’m pretty sure he was on the same level. I was being my typical weird-goofy-giggly self when he said “If I didn’t have a girlfriend….”He just sort of trailed off and I didn’t know how to respond or what he even really meant.

Now that I’m sober I’m even more intrigued.

I can’t believe that my time up here is halfway over!  I work some insane hours, like 14 hours a day, 7 days a week (and they would work me more if they could but they realize I need to sleep sometimes).  

Working that much sounds pretty terrible but I actually have gotten used to it and its going to be weird to go back to a normal 8 hour day.  I really enjoy it up here.  The area is just amazing, so quiet and secluded.  The people I’ve met are fantastic and the research is really interesting.  Sarah and I have become great friends and I can honestly say I’m going to miss her when we leave here.  

On a side note: I have the biggest crush on my boss and I’m pretty sure he knows it.  The only problem is that he’s married.  And he is so obnoxiously in love with his wife I can’t even be jealous.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t take in the view whenever I can.  

Going back to East Lansing is going to be so strange at first.  I really liked getting away for the summer, it has given me some new perspectives.  It will be nice to see my friends again, I miss them terribly.  And its going to be interesting to see what happens with Drew.  I want things between us to work out so bad.  I just want to be with him plain and simple.  I don’t want to play games and have to figure out how he’s feeling.  I just want to be together.  That sounds so simple and yet things are so complicated between us.  I guess I can’t worry about it too much while I’m up here (which is another nice thing about being here).

Well I should probably get back to work. Nothing like blogging on company time…shhhh

If I could have a day with you this is what I’d do:

I’d take you to Algonac to meet my friends and family.  We would spend the day out on the water, starting at the bay and then heading to the beach later to relax.  After a long day in the sun we would go home and have Chinese for dinner.  I’d rub aloe on your back because you refused to use sunscreen.  Finally, we would curl up on the couch with the windows open and watch tv until we fell asleep.

I wish I could say I am surprised by this, but I’m really not.  Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings but I’m not sure I could find the proper adjective if I tried.

I wasn’t asking for a relationship anytime soon.  I thought we were just talking for the summer.  I guess I scared you off with last weekend’s stunt though.   

I know you have a lot of things to work through and I respect that.  Good luck with figuring things out and I hope you can find someone who doesn’t make you want to put your head through a wall.  We’re just not right for each other.  I don’t even have the emotional energy left to hate you anymore.

Have a good summer.

“When you love someone but it goes to waste…”

(Source: , via avalle23-deactivated20120830)

But my body was only up for 3 this morning.  I say 15 because I know that’s what it would take to make my mind numb….to stop all thinking.  Well it would probably go numb around mile 10.  But then that would give me 5 glorious miles of no thinking.  And right now I could really use some time away from my thoughts. 

I was excited to come up here because I knew that you weren’t here.  Not even close by.  And now you’ve invaded the area, trapping me and suffocating me once again.